Just Realized
by Sabaku No Natsuo
Summary: I could feel the canyon between us gaping and stretching more. This is what I wanted. This is what I wanted..." KuroxFai, Yaoi Sometimes you have to sacrifice your happiness to ensure his safety...and really this is what you want.


**A/N: **So I finished reading all of the chapters of TRC on onemanga (oh how I love thee) and I wanted to write something for Kurogane and Fai. What they have is far too complicated and beautiful to ignore so I wanted to share my thoughts on this pairing.

**Warnings: **Shonen-Ai as well as mentions of Yaoi (again the mentions are quite blunt), might be OOC (I'm not too sure about the two of them, I've only just gotten into the series) and mentions of blood (but if you've read anything else by me this shouldn't shock you too much)

**Story: **About being worthless, and being loved enough to forget that you are worthless. (First person Fai POV)

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**Just Realized**

I clung to his shirt, the pain of all of my organs changing to allow me to sustain my life on blood instead of starch and sugars and such like this was too much. I clung to him because I couldn't stand the excruciating process of becoming a vampire. I clung to him because he was the first person that I reached out to even though I hated him for saving me. I clung to him because, even though my world was quickly turning upside down and staring at me from a new view, he was the only thing that seemed to be real in this blur of backwards ways.

Then the underground room went black and I knew I wasn't gripping those fabrics in desperation anymore. I was torn between feeling liberated of the hatred for Kurogane's _selfish _decision and feeling lost and lonely for not having anything solid to grasp onto while sleep finished changing my organs into something different entirely. I don't think I had any dreams while I slept but I'm positive that at one point during my nap Kurogane had sat down next to me and whispered something important in my ear. But I pretended another fit of convulsions to make him leave the room, presumably for the med student.

When I finally woke up I more or less stumbled across Kurogane and addressed him by his full name, no stupid nickname, no cute suffix. I called him 'Kurogane' for the first time since we first met (how long ago was that…?) and I saw the anger and hurt swell inside of him. I had successfully put a canyon between us, and normally I'd feel better keeping everyone away from me but now I just felt like shit. They way he stared at me made me feel like I'd struck a deep nerve and thoroughly pissed him off. _Good, it's better this way, _I kept thinking as I clenched the sheets below me to keep from saying sorry.

* * *

Unlike when I began adding cute endings to his name, Kurogane _didn't _get used to being called Kurogane by me. I could see that he just wanted to scream at me, _Call me Kuro-sama! Kuro-rin! Kuro-pii! STOP calling me KUROGANE! _And I honestly couldn't blame him. I hated calling him Kurogane but I had to, it was the only way he'd be kept a distance from me. The only problem was that we kept getting put closer together physically by our shrinking budget.

In Infinity we'd won money for the matches of chess we won but it wasn't enough for a big enough place to stay for each of us to have our own rooms. Sakura had her own room in a sense by Mokona slept with her every night. Syaoran slept on the couch, even though I offered he said that he wanted to (most likely because it was directly across from the Princess' room). So the only place left was a room with a single bed and that was where Kurogane and I slept. I wanted to sleep on the floor, so that I didn't have to be by Kurogane while I was sleeping but he flatly stated that there were no extra blankets when I suggested it.

On one particularly strained night I heard our shared blanket rustle as Kurogane rolled over onto his back. To say there was something on his mind would have been stupid since ever since we left Tokyo not a second went by where there wasn't something on everyone's mind.

"Why do you keep calling me Kurogane?" he finally asked after a few tense moments.

"Because that's your name," I replied in an even tone so as not to give away that I didn't want to call him 'Kurogane'.

"It's never been 'Kurogane' to you," he pointed out with no hint of frustration. "So why are you calling me that?"

"Because I want to," I knew saying this would piss him off considering it wasn't a real answer at all and it also signaled that I would not be participating in this conversation anymore.

I heard him let out a frustrated sound that could have been a grunt, and then the bed springs squeaked as he rolled over to face the window. For a few minutes more I stared out into the falling darkness of our room and I could feel the canyon between us gaping and stretching more. _This _is what I wanted. _This _is what I wanted…

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Around me I could hear the world of my past screaming at me, screaming that I was a horrible person. I could only see the blood drenched snow, smell the life of my twin slip away, could only hear my past screaming at me. Then I began firing spells in all my confusion. I don't remember who I was aiming for but the next thing I knew Kurogane had stabbed through my dear Fai's dead body. I wanted to scream at him, wanted to let him know how much he hurt me by simply doing that. But…all he said was that my past wasn't his concern and that I need to be in the present.

The next significant moment in the hell hole I used to call home was when I was going to be stuck in Celes. I had resigned myself to being folded into eternity and becoming nothing more than empty space. It was after all _what I wanted. _But, dammit Kurogane was still holding onto me, holding me like he wasn't going to allow himself to live if I didn't. I told him to go! I told him!

But then he cut off his arm as a substitute for me. And…it worked. I was freed from the prison that would compact my homeland into nothing more than nothingness in a few seconds. I felt Kurogane's blood soak through my clothes, felt the cold wetness of his sacrifice on my lips when I tried to speak. But now we were flying through dimensions and I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to really see the landing when we fell through time to another place…

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The next few hours were spent in slumber, deep slumber at that. I didn't dream. I couldn't hear the world around me (what a reprieve!) and I didn't care that I was isolated while I slept.

When I finally stirred a young girl with long dark hair was sitting next to my bed smiling almost sadly at me. I tried to ask her where I was, where the children where, where _Kurogane _was. But my mouth was too dry and my throat felt constricted with pain when I sat up. A fit of coughs racked through my body and the girl simply rubbed at my back while I coughed. I heard her coo comments to me while she rubbed my back.

She looked years younger than me but she acted and carried herself as if she were more sagacious than people three times the age I placed her at (roughly 16 or 17). I looked at her, my eyes red from the coughing. She stared back at me with an open expression before she began to speak.

"You're the one that Kurogane did that for, aren't you?" she asked me in a sweet tone.

I nodded, feeling the guilt pile up on my chest. He lost a _limb _and he gained absolutely nothing. I couldn't give him what he needed to feel like that sacrifice was worth something. I wasn't capable of making myself worth one of his arms!

"Kurogane would never do something that he was going to regret Fai," she supplied with a stern and yet gentle look in her eyes.

I turned my head from the patch of blue blanket I had been staring at. How did she know that about him (never mind that she knew my name)?

"Fai, you are in the country where Kurogane lived before traveling with you and the kids," she explained with a soft sigh. "And I am the princess that he served while he lived here. I am princess Tomoyo…"

My eye widened a fraction, we were here. In Kurogane's country? I marveled at this, I was sitting in the same room as the girl who Kurogane was so damn loyal to. Of course not in a romantic sense, we had a few touches shared back when we were separated from Mokona and the kids. But that was a totally different story…

"I've known Kurogane since he was a child," the princess began. "I know that you are not some one that he holds in high regard."

I continued to watch her, the sorrow of my pervious actions contorting my face to their will. She studied me, pushing passed all of the barriers I had put up between me and the rest of the world.

"Don't make yourself think that Kurogane's actions were something he did in the heat of the moment, I can promise you they were not," Tomoyo-hime continued with conviction strong in her voice. "Show him that you are worth every sacrifice so that neither of you doubt where to go from here."

With her speech wrapped up the princess excused herself to check on Kurogane himself. While she disappeared behind the swaths of fabric that divided the corridors from the rooms I sat on my low bed trying to come to terms with the fact that I was _worth all of it. _I was worth all of what Kurogane did to keep me alive. _I was worth it…_

Later that day I punched him, but that story is one you've heard. When we had exchanged light hearted banter Tomoyo-hime dismissed herself to attend to family business with a smile that said she knew what was going on. The cool colored curtain touched the door frame once more and I felt Kuro-_sama _pull me down to his bed with his only hand. He ran that hand down my back to rest on the inward curve of my spine. Being as impatient and sorry I was I just knitted my fingers through his thick hair and kissed him for all I was worth (which seemed to be a whole hell of a lot).

I felt him whisper sentiments against my lips when air accidentally came between our lips. It had to be something like _I've missed you…_But he'd never say that out loud I know. I lowered my hand to the folds of his clothes and slipped it in to graze his toned body. He bit my lower lip and I gasped. From there I'm sure you can guess where it took us.

And, _oh my God _was it amazing to touch him again. It was like coming up for air when your body is screaming for it from the depths of the oceans. I held him and caressed him gently as his single hand graced my body with needy urges. I felt like he was touching a piece of me that had been neglected all this time but sprang to life when Kuro ran his thumb over my bottom lip or when he messaged my inner thigh. I cried out every time he moved, feeling the need to vocalize my pleasure and _damn did it feel good _when he touched me.

It was in the aftermath of sex that Kuro said something that truly astounded me.

"When this is all over," he began as he brushed a few strands of my hair that clung to my sweaty forehead. "I want you to come back here with me."

I could feel my heart rate and pulse quicken, this was too good to be true. It had to be. I clutched the sheets that rested on my cooling body. He traced the silhouette of my shoulder as he waited for my response. The only problem was…I was speechless. My mouth gaped a little and Kuro took this opportunity to kiss me again. As if a soft kiss would help me regain my voice.

"You don't have to answer right now," he assured me as sleep began to look so tantalizing to the both of us.

I nodded and he pulled me into his chest and that was where I slept peacefully for the next few hours.

* * *

Kuro finally got his answer when the two of us were standing in front of the Space-Time Witch. It was after our battle against the man who pulled all the strings against Yuuko through out our journey. I felt empty without Syaoran or Sakura by our side, but they stayed in Clow, as it should be. But she twirled an intricate silver chain in her hand and examined it.

"Where would you like to go?" Yuuko asked, apparently approving the payment I had handed her.

"I would like to go with Kuro-rin!" I exclaimed as I latched happily onto his metal arm.

She nodded with a haunting smile and beckoned to the white Mokona. The puffy object hugged us, tears falling thickly down its face. I held it in both of my arms, despite the fact that there was barely anything to hold. Even Kuro hugged the object of most of his annoyance and then it flew over to its co-creator. Yuuko whispered something to Mokona and then the puff perked up. I stared curiously at the pair, what could they be planning?

Soon the transportation to 'home' was up in the air widening its jaws and pulling us into it to cross time and space. When we landed Mokona fell on my lap much to my delight. He projected the image of Yuuko onto the wall that surrounded Tomoyo-hime's castle.

"The chain you gave me has jewels on it that are exceedingly rare and have magical properties," she spoke right to the point. "It was too much for the wish you requested."

I nodded in realization. Mokona was part of my wish that made sure Yuuko wasn't in debt to me. Kuro stirred beside me and helped me up. Yuuko had said something more about hitsuzen and then the wall went back to being a wall. In his strong arms, Kuro nearly crushed me under the weight of the kiss I received before we began to walk towards our new life…

_End of Just Realized_

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**A/N: **Yes, yes a happy ending. I felt I needed to give them something nice for all they've been through. This is the shortest piece I have ever written but if it went on any longer I think I would just be rambling. Tell me what you think, because I will be in this fandom more since I discovered it's friggin' amazing!!


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